10 Things I’ve Learned About Love in the Last 10 Years

3. Dating can be fun.

I agree: Overall, dating sucks. But it can be fun. Really, it’s possible; I’ve been there. It happened to me — not for long, but I felt it. Dating can be fun with the right mindset. The greatest mistake people make with the dating process is having expectations. We meet/swipe/DM/Skype/FaceTime someone, and suddenly we’re filling in a lot of blanks and imagining what they’re like, and what they would be like in a relationship, in bed, or around our friends, and we’re just setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Expectations create giant cliffs that you will fall from if they are not met, because chances are, they will not be. So instead of expecting, focus solely on the excitement of meeting a new person, hearing a new story, trying a new restaurant, seeing a new museum, movie, or whatever. If there’s chemistry and attraction, that’s extra. But if not, just having a good time. Be grateful that someone wants to get to know you and spend time with you. Dating is not about finding a soulmate. Dating is about hearing new stories and having new experiences. Detach everything else.

4. If someone is unsure about you, it’s never worth the investment.

Relationships are hard enough. If you have to convince someone to be with you, what do you think that would look like? When someone is unsure about us, we naturally want to convince them to want us, because that would mean we are worthy. We are wanted. We have value. But we’re not thinking about what the relationship would look like. I’ll tell you: It will be short lived. I’ve learned to stop chasing people because it never works out. One person is constantly seeking approval and validation, while the other gets bored. It burns out like a candle. I’ll meet you halfway until we build something, then I’ll swim the ocean for you. But I won’t build something on ambivalence. You shouldn’t either.

5. Love is peeling an onion, not biting an apple.

The first layer is not love, it’s infatuation. Skin. Lust. Connection. Chemistry. Butterflies. All the possibilities of what something could be. Love doesn’t happen until layers are peeled, until you see all sides of someone and accept them, embrace them, and choose to love them.

We’re all looking for the thing in the bottle, the “you just know” feeling. But feelings alone don’t build healthy, lasting, meaningful relationships. We have powerful connections with certain people, and that’s great. That means something. But there needs to be more, and more is discovered, not found. It takes more than eyes meeting across the room.

Love is about going through our layers together by experiencing the whole person, not just parts. Leaning into storms together, hands locked, learning, growing, fighting resistance, triggers, and sharpening each other along the way.

Prev2 of 5Next

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *